Come to the dark side, We have cookies
by AbDabDoo
Summary: What if... James and Q are gay lovers, M falls for Austin Powers, Dr Evil captures Yoda and holds him captive in the Death Star, Luke paints the Death Star pink and makes the Storm Troopers wear pink onesies and fluffy bunny slippers? I'll tell you... Once you've read the novella.
1. Groovy, Baby!

**_Dear Prosper-the-XVIII,_**

**_ I'm really doing it. I told you I would! _**

**_'Come to the dark side'_**

**_ 'No!'_**

**_ 'We have cookies!'_**

**_ 'OMG YA GIMME GIMME GIMME!'_**

* * *

As the sound of a planet blowing up was heard, there was no sign of any explosion. In fact, that was just Obi Wan doing a big poo. The force was not with him that day-He had been constipated for hours. Austin and M were in Austins 'pad', James was drooling over Princess Leia, and Darth Vader had just been made up. Literally. His ship, and everyone, every thing, had been either pink-ified or groovy-fied. No joke.  
OK. Lets start at the beginning.

* * *

How are you, Basil?' Said Austin as he drove along in his Jaguar E type, of which he often refered to as the 'Shaguar'. Although, instead of Basil being there, to his surprise, there was a woman in her sixties, or possibly even early twenties. 'Hold up a minute! Youre not Basil!' He nearly crashed his car, narrowly avoiding a house.  
'No shit, Sherlock.' She replied sarcastically. 'I am M. My real name you do not need to know. I am head of MI6.'  
'Groovy Baby!' replied Austin, clearly wanting to sound polite.  
'Shut it, and listen.' She snapped at him. 'We here in 2012 are under attack. MI6 is having trouble fending off our attackers. Who they are, we do not know. But what we do know is they want Earth. They come from a galaxy known as... Well, thats the thing agent. We don't know.' She moved away to reveal a man, of whom looked slightly like Basil, but with a slightly more solelm look. There was another man with him, who had almost shoulder length black hair, stubble, and an unmistakable blackhead. The blackhead guy spoke first.  
'Morning agent. I am Q. This is James. We at MI6 are not one for talking, so we'll keep this short. You are going to travelo forward in time, to help us defeat alien thingies. OK? Good. Initiating time travel sequence.'  
'But wheres Basil?' Austin asked.  
'He is already here.'was the short talk reply.  
'Yeah, Baby!' Austin was incredibly enthusiastic.

* * *

'Hey, Baby! Whats rollin?'  
'Quit it with the seventies talk, Powers. Now, tell me. Do you know this man?' M held up a picture of a bald man with his pinky on the corner of his mouth with pursed lips, a surprised expression and holding a bald cat. He knew him oh too well.  
'Dr Evil! The bastard!'  
'He knows him.' Said James. 'I think he knows him very well.'  
'Oh James, we already know. I had Q take a look at his database with Basil'.  
'My God, M has an amaaaazing body. I bet she shags like a Minx. How do I let them know... Because of all the unfreezing progress, I have no inner monologue?' Austin seemed to be staring at M. And they were all staring at him. 'What is it Baby?'  
'You really are a perv.' Said Q, and he walked away. James followed in pursuit.  
'What did I say?' questioned Austin, somewhat surprised. 'Oh god. I didn't say that aloud, did I?'  
'Yes you did. Yes I do. But no, You will NOT be getting anywhere NEAR this.' M retorted.  
'Chill, baby, don't have a thrombo.' Austin was playing it sexy. M raised her eyebrows and took off her jacket slowly. 'Shagalicious baby!' M jumped on Austin...

* * *

1 HOUR LATER

'Hey, James! Whats up, man?' Austin's face was red from extortion as he slipped out M's office.  
'I'm very suspicious about you and M, Austin.' James eyed him suspiciously.  
'Yes, well...' Austin tried to hide the smirk on his face.  
'No, I mean VERY suspicious. Now, am I wrong?' James was kind of getting angry.  
'No, you're right to be suspicious! I shagged her!'  
'WHAT?' James was extremely surprised.  
'I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!'  
'I don't beleive you Austin! I mean, she was repellant!'  
'Saucer of milk, table 2. Meow.'  
'Well... Did you use protection?'  
'Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.'  
'No, I mean did you use a condom?'  
'No, only sailors use condoms, James.'  
'Not in the 21st Century, Austin!'  
'Well they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port!'

* * *

Meanwhile, In Dr Evils secret space lair, AKA, the death star of which he had taken over and put his face on the front...  
'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my space lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people DIE!' Shocked gasps filled the room. 'And by people, I mean people that don't pay their ransoms!'  
'Well, what if we just kidnap the queen...' Scott Evil was onto an idea.  
'SH!' Dr Evil cut him off.  
'It's no hassle...' Scott started again but...

'Sh!' Was once again cut off.

'But...'

'Sh!'

'I'm...'

'Sh!'

'All I'm say...'

'Sh!'

'They're gonna get a...'

'Sh!'

'I'm...'

'Sh!'

'I'm just...'

'Sh!'

'Would...'

'Sh!... Knock-knock.'

'Who's there?'

'Sh!'

'But...'

'Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.'  
All the hassle was set around the father and son.  
'WHY DID YOU WALK OUT ON ME, JUST TO BRING ME_ BACK_ HERE?' Scott was getting angry.  
'ASK YOUR MOTHER!' Their heads turned to Frau, who was being very quiet.  
'Well Mum... Why did he walk out on me?' Scotts eyes were upset and pleading.  
'He said it was because you weren't quite... evil enough, darling.' Scott stormed off to his bedroom, only to come running back through again.  
'THAT...' He pointed at mini-me, who was laughing his head off, 'PUT ROADKILL IN MY BED! JUST LOOK AT IT!'  
'Good boy, mini me. Finally. A good, EVIL son.'

TO BE CONTINUED!


	2. Preperation H

Dear Mum,

It has been a very awkward week... Austin powers arrived a few days ago, that's when he and M... You know... Did it. Humph. See if _I _care. I'm sure he's bisexual, but he would never love me. James declared his undying love for me an hour ago, so I was pretty happy about that. He's soooo hot. I could go all night.

Love, Q. X

* * *

_Dr Evil's secret underwater lair..._

'Hello, chums, and welcome to my underwater lair. It's long, hard, and full of seamen... Muhaha!' The place fell silent. 'No? Nothing? Not even a giggle? Sheesh. Tough sub. Mini-me, come on in. I have chocolates! He's gone crazy for them ever since number two gave him them. Anyway, our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.' Scott sniggers. 'What?'  
'Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you prick!'  
'I don't... Understand... Would you like some ice-cream?'  
'Yes. I would looove some chocolate ass-cream.'  
'Hm. Perhaps later.'  
'Dr Evil, I love your your plan.' Number 2 comes out to the room.  
'You do?' Dr Evil is astonished. Normally, Number 2 is quite "rude" and has other ideas.  
'Yah, Its a really good plan!' Frau looked away and smirked as she said it.  
'Yes Frau, on the whole Preperation H does feel good.' Scott starts laughing again, uncontrolably. 'WHAT NOW?'  
'Oh no, nothing... I suppose Preperation H _does_ feel good on the hole.'  
'Ok... Well, Austin Powers has foiled every single plan I have thought of. But Preperation H Is so good...' Dr Evil is once again cut off by Scott's laughing. 'SHUT UP!' Scott doesn't stop. 'Mini-me likes chocolate. Scotty don't!'  
'I never said I didn't like cho...'  
'Scotty don't!'  
'I neve'  
'Scotty don't!'  
'Y'know, this is causing me serious psychological harm!'  
'Boo-friggin-hoo, I was adopted by frickin Belgains.' Scott Left the room.  
'Carry on, Docterr.'  
'Thank you Frau. As I was saying, Preperation H is so great nobody can stop me. Not even... Austin Powers.'  
'Hold it right there, Dr Evil!' Austin Powers bursts in with some of the army.  
'Shit.' Dr Evil stamps his feet and crosses his arms.

* * *

_Back in London, MI6 HQ..._

'Hey Baby, yeah! By the way, I caught Dr Evil. Now shall we shag now, or shag later?'  
'Later. We have to go and do a mission together in Las Vegas. This is the first mission I've done since I was 40, So it's been at least 20 years since I've been on one. Your job is to protect me. We are going to meet one of Dr Evils assassins and closest friends - Number 2.'  
'Groovy, Baby! When do we leave?'  
'Now.'

_On Austins private jumbo jet...  
'_Can I ask you something, baby?' Austin asks M  
'Yes, Austin?' Austin jumps onto the leopard print bed. He beckons M to join him. M sits with him, and as she does, Austin presses a button and the bed begins to spin. She quickly gets off...  
'Do I make you horny? Do I make you randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Do I?'  
'Oh, Austin...'

_Las Vegas Royal Casino...  
Austin and M are sitting with Number 2 And Number 2's companion  
_'Hello, I'm Harry Cartwright, and this is my mother, Anastasia. Yes, my grandmother always was a posh tosser. You are...?' Said Austin.  
'I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous. And this is my boss, Number 2.'  
'Nice to meet you, Anastasia. I'm Number 2, founder of No.2.'  
'Oh, yes! What do you specialise in?'  
'Toilets... Speaking of which, I must be excused.' Austin follows Number 2 into the little boy's room, only to find he is not there. Upon entering, he finds a man from Texas.  
'So, Pardner, how you doing in there?' Austin was going to reply when he heard a tinkling noise from behind him. he put his hands in a fist in front of his throat. One of Dr Evils asssassins was trying to strangle him.  
'Nnnnnggghhhh' Austin was struggling.  
'Come on, pardner! We're gonna get through this, come on!'  
'Nnnnnngh!'  
'Grab something tight, bite your tongue and push!'

**to be continued...**


End file.
